Actually, what Bob Dylan said via Rod Stewart. I’m more-tagging this so you can skip it if you don’t feel like reading me have a moment of clarity followed by a moment of sheer ugh.
“Tomorrow is a long time.” (Rod Stewart’s cover is a much better song overall. Sorry, Bob.)
It has been hitting me this week that I have to take this medicine forever. I’ve been so used to the doctors not knowing for sure what is wrong and changing things up every three months that I just plain ignored the fact that I’ve been on MTX for a year and it isn’t going away.
I have to take it because it is going to keep my hands from looking like this. I already have some visible damage to my left hand and wrist. Every time I am tempted to just scream and stop taking the shots I look at that picture.
This medicine makes me almost constantly nauseated. The associations with it are so bad that last night when I glimpsed a perfume bottle on my dresser I reflexively gagged. It took me a second to realise that the gagging was because the perfume looked exactly like the injectable version of my drug.
This medicine makes me sleep for about 36-48 hours. Even when I can’t sleep because something’s gone wrong I’m so fatigued that I can’t see straight and my brain operates at a base level. I lose any maturity adulthood has brought me.
Many other folks who take this take it over the weekend so they can function at their jobs during the week. I take it midweek so that I can have the weekend with my husband. I’m very fortunate to not have to go to a job right now. But I miss that too. I miss working. I miss spreadsheets and Quark documents and having to check my voicemail. But I know that I’m no longer able to do that type of job.
Compared to the other things that trouble people in this lifetime I’m well aware of how easy I have it. I have a good husband who loves me, a smart dog who understands English, a comfortable home, enough food to eat and the grace of I Am. I can read. I can write. I have clean water. I have air conditioning. I have the medicines available to me that will keep my hands from looking like this.
I still though, think about having to take those medicines forever and it makes me cry just a little bit. Tomorrow is a long time.