Archive for the ‘jeannie needs a shooter’ Category

If you are under 13, good. Stay here and learn this now, because body parts are body parts and the more you know about them the less scary they are. The less scary the less likely you are to misunderstand and misuse them.

Really, though, I know most people who read my blog are well past 13 and probably already know this. Still, I figure I’d better put it out there.

Last night I was watching a week-old episode of Conan on TiVo and he was talking about a woman who flashed her “vagina” on So You Think You Can Dance. I did whatever I do whenever anyone mentions a Celebrity Vagina Sighting. I looked it up on the internet. Because I know that rumours of the Celebrity Vagina Sighting are greatly exaggerated. Despite all the glimpses of famous nether regions we’ve all been treated to in the last 10 years or so, I can’t think of a single time we’ve seen a vagina.

We have certainly seen pubic hair. And Labia Majora. Labia, which is Latin for ‘lips’ is also the name given to the two sets of folds concealing the actual VAGINA from the harsh outside world. Frankly, in order to see an actual vagina you need a) a woman’s permission and b) a very direct pose. You will no more see a candid shot of a vagina than you will a candid shot of a lung or a sinus or a medulla oblongata.

This is the female genito-urinary anatomy, as depicted in ASCII format because I’m on a borrowed computer and can’t upload a drawing and am not going to link to a picture in a medical textbook because I’m too lazy and too on a roll with the text writing. And also because I think ASCII depictions of anything are hilarious.



() These things are the Labia Majora. They are the large outside folds of skin, fatty deposits and muscle. Unless groomed or sexually immature they will have pubic hair on them.
{} These things are the Labia Minora. They are the small inside folds of skin, nerves, and blood vessels. They are called “minora” because they are thinner than the outside lips, but it is perfectly normal if they extend beyond the outside lips on some women.

Together these two sets of organs are the VULVA. And these are what you see in all those unfortunate crotch shots of stupid young girls who think fame is worth compromising your dignity.

B the top loop of the B is the urethra, where urine exits the body. The infamous clitoris sits atop the urethra, but I don’t know how depict that in ASCII. So just know for future reference that the top loop of the B is a busy place.

The bottom loop of the B is the actual vagina itself. It’s tucked away under quite a lot of things, as you can tell. This is where the penis goes during intercourse and where the baby leaves during a vaginal birth. This is also where menstrual blood leaves the body during a woman’s period, and where mucus discharge leaves the body before ovulation, after intercourse and (although thicker and a different colour) if a woman has a vaginal infection of fungus or bacteria.

If you are kind of squicked out reading this, I understand. We apparently don’t like to talk about this stuff, given the fact that a highly educated Harvard graduate who is the son of a doctor, married and the father of two children thinks that the Vulva is the vagina.

But still, I must set the record straight.

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This post over at MCB sent me on a rabbit trail back to the original article. Am I upset that JK Rowling is publishing an elitist book which will be available to SEVEN people only? Eh, kind of. But knowing how she works and having seen the Lucas Model in action for the past 25 years I suspect that Rowling will eventually make ‘The Tales of Beedle The Bard’ available to a wider audience. That’s not what really got me. It was this:

On Wednesday, Rowling and the makers of the Harry Potter movies filed a lawsuit against RDR Books, a small U.S. publisher that plans to bring out a companion volume based on the Harry Potter Lexicon fan Web site.

Rowling has said she plans to produce her own encyclopedia of the wizarding world and says the book would infringe on her intellectual property rights.

I really respect the Lexicon, and have for years. It suits me right down to the ground in the anal way it has compiled all of the details from the world of Harry Potter. Every beast and birthday mentioned in the books can be found there. You might say it’s an INTJ Organisational Fanatic’s dream website. Steve Vander Ark is one of my personal whateveryouwanttocallits. I want to be him when I grow up, and I have loved his segments on the various Potter podcasts.

I’ve contributed–in a small way–to the Lexicon in the past. I’ve sent emails about errors and answers to questions from other readers. It’s a site that many people have been very involved in for many years. In addition to the little things there are reams of wonderful essays about everything from Time Travel to wizarding horticulture.

So what’s my point?

I hate it when online communities publish books for profit using the work product of their communities of users.

It’s very difficult for writers to have their work published in the mainstream media. Talent is the merest fraction of the equation; money and connections are far more important. Yet the hardest part of being a writer–for me anyway–is churning out the content. I spend hours of my time contributing to various websites, and have for years. It’s a hobby and a labour of love.

There are a lot of people in the Old Media who view online writing (and now video) as a field of manna–good eating just laying there on the ground for the taking. These book publishers and news stations give little credit–or none–to the workers who provide the product. It’s completely exploitative.

Years of working with licensing contracts in the publishing and gift industry have made me more savvy. I won’t contribute to any site which claims ownership and full use of my work. But there are thousands of people without the benefit of my work experience who post to sites like The Lexicon without knowing their work will become someone else’s free lunch.

That steams me.

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(I guess today is my day for writing bossy letters.)

If you have more than one CD you have CDs.

If you have a CD and that CD is  Hey, I’m A Musician Not A Grammar Police  then you would say “My CD’s title is ”Hey, I’m A Musician Not a Grammar Police”.

I have read no fewer than 9 blog entries today talking about plural “CD’s”

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People Of The World:

Ringing my doorbell does NOT guarantee that I will automatically open the door.

Tapping on my front window to get my attention when you see that I am ignoring you is not a good idea.

Just because you have a shirt on which looks vaguely like a uniform and you’re carrying a clipboard doesn’t mean that you aren’t a crazed serial killer or rapist.   I’d rather not have to put an aftermarket hole in your body in order to defend myself, so I’m not opening the door, thanks.

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Why is it called Mother‘s Day when it is for all mothers?  Shouldn’t it be Mothers’ Day?

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Ron Paul, Penn Jillette and I are all “Terrorists” according to the State of Alabama.

The Alabama Department of Homeland Security has recently constructed a website that defines Domestic Terrorists as those who oppose a strong federal government.

Funny, but I thought Domestic Terrorists were people who blew up stuff. I thought Libertarians were just people who wanted to be left alone.

Thanks, Casey, for letting me know.


Apparently I am also a Godless heathen. Not to mention a big fan of rapists.

Libertarianism breaks down in the eyes of conservatives when the question is presented as to who has the greater right, the habitual rapist’s right to rape or the victim’s right to be free from rape? … Libertarianism doesn’t find much purpose with religion, as liberty and desire trump restraint and social conscience.

All in all not the best day for libertarians. I think perhaps we need to clarify our message.

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I believe in guns because of Jim Jones. I believe in the ineffectuality and haphazardness of government because of Jim Jones. I believe in being a Discerning Believer because of Jim Jones. One of the more fun things about ideas is being able to trace the growth of one of your deeply-held beliefs to the source. I’ve been able to do that more in recent years as pop culture digs up “nostalgic” events from my childhood.

Last week’s American Experience documentary on Jonestown unearthed the source for a lot of my politics. How does a Mennonite from Indiana fold a belief in Gun Rights and Individualism into her faith? And why would that be so important? In my case the answer can be largely distilled down to two words. Jim Jones. (more…)

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I’m connected to the World Wide Web on my neighbour’s network.  Specifically, the “F—-t Family Network”.  Why?  Well, because periodically whenever the “F—-t Family” has their network up, it knocks me offline.

I can SEE my network.  My Mac says it’s connected to my network.   But I have no actual data transfer.   Of course the rational part of me knows that this probably isn’t the “F——t Family”‘s fault.  Still, I can’t help myself.  When I see their network name in my AirPort Menu I lose all rationality.   I begin to bleed from my eyeballs in seething rage, to froth at the mouth like a rabid Frankenstein.  (The Doctor, not the Monster.  The monster was an idiot.  The doctor was smart, even if he was crazy insane.)

I’ve been trying to get my email for the last 43 minutes.   All I get is the little (!) bang frustration mark in the Get Mail window.  This convinced me, of course, that I had an earth-shattering email from my biggest client about our huge project, all just waiting for me on the other side of the wire.   All just beyond my reach, thanks to the “F—–t Family” and their stupid Network.

So I figured if I can’t beat ’em, I’ll join ’em.    Thanks, F—–t Family, for finally enabling me to check my email.   Goodness knows I badly needed those 6 Harry Potter For Grown-Ups emails about talking portraits.

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If you have children–even one child–I’m asking you something. Even if you are an aunt or an uncle or a godparent or a Big Brother or Big Sister or Boys And Girls Club person, I’m asking you, too.

Scratch that.

I’m begging you.

And yes, I understand that as one of the childless out here I have no idea the exquisite pressures that face you. I don’t get and will never get ‘it’ unless I and my uterus sign on to your team. I accept that I’m partially in the dark on this one.

But please please please–whatever you do–do NOT buy your kids those sneakers with the rollerskate wheels. Of course, I was a kid and I know that kids have this impressive network of groupthink already established. It may be a matter of social life or death for your kid to have Heelys. Logan and Emma have Heelys. Practically the entire class has Heelys, and if your kid doesn’t get them he or she will be doomed to standing on the front porch with the future members of the A/V club during recess.

So buy your kid the fancy footwork for sure. I don’t want you to psychological mar your child.

But know this.

If I have to duck out of the way of your kid (again)
–in the line at Barnes & Noble
–while shopping for groceries
–in the crowded lobby of Red Robin while waiting for a table
–while refilling my soda at Salsarita’s
–waiting for a sandwich at Panera
–looking at TVs in Best Buy
–at the freakin’ PUBLIC LIBRARY

i cannot vouch for what will happen. If I were a cartoon character right now, the blood would be bubbling up to my eyeballs and the steam would shoot from my ears in puffy clouds. I am so sick of going to (crowded) indoor public places and literally having to hug the wall as some four-foot tall person comes slaloming through the grown-ups. I am so sick of seeing that pointed-toe stance that means some kid is zooming toward me and I have to get out of their precious way.

So buy your offspring the hip new footwear if you must. But please. Can’t we say “no skating indoors” or something like that? Please? I was always taught that it was rude to yell at other people’s kids. But if your kid is throwing manners out the window first, I’m going with ‘all bets are off’ and your youngun may get some choice words thrown his way.

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