Two weeks ago I was all excited about getting contacts and then reading glasses because now I was gonna be the super sexy librarian me I’ve always dreamed of being, sitting and reading thoughtful tomes with cat’s-eye horn rims perched on my nose or clipped to my shirt collar. As soon as I found one that suited me I was going to get a sparkly, baubled chain that let me droop my readers against my breasts. This way I’d look either like an older schoolmarm or a person having a very public affair with a flamboyant invisible man.
There is only one problem with this scenario.
It turns out that I am reading all of the time. I even walk from room to room with my nose in a book.
This is not a new development, understand. I’m just very aware of it now that reading has the foreplay of clipping this heavy things to my face.
And there is the second dilemma…the heavy things on my face. My vision has been so bad for so long (almost 10 years now) that the reading glasses make my vision quite a bit closer to what it used to be prior to getting the serious contacts. Given that I’m used to knocking around this blurry house I know so well it often fails to occur to me that I should take the glasses off. Besides, do you know what 35 years of conditioning will do to a person? Can you possibly understand how ingrained the concept of “Weight On Face=Better Able To See” is in my mind? The idea of taking OFF the glasses to see BETTER is just weird. Far weirder than the idea of having an affair with a flamboyant invisible man.
I know I’m due for bifocals, most likely, but I rather like the concept of contacts plus reading glasses. I’m loathe to give it up, honestly. But there IS a problem. On vacation I was trying to practice. I wore the readers at the tip of my nose in that “I must be constantly able to focus on The Written Word, yet able to look at you earnestly” pose that Bill Clinton and Bryant Gumbel pull off so well.* The problem with this is that it makes me dreadfully motion sick. I can’t ride in the backseat of a car or watch shaky-cam movies. And apparently this little trick is the equivalent of riding in the backseat of a car while watching a shaky-cam movie and reading in Hebrew. I think having an airsick bag strapped to my front would make the whole stab at earnest dignity significantly less compelling.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go back upstairs with my face stuck in a book.
*I saw Gumbel doing it in an interview with some red bull plane jumping out of guy in the airport (why they chose to air that in the airport I have no idea). I can’t find a decent picture. Yet he does it masterfully.