I was stirring sugar into my yogurt and while I watched the crystals of sweet start to break down the fermented milk into a softer, warmer shade of white it reminded me of something.
For years and years we tried to have a baby. I went through a lot of painful procedures, both physically and emotionally, as the doctors tried to narrow down the reasons why it just wasn’t happening. I spent a lot of time feeling cheated and left out as I watched every other woman I knew fall pregnant. At least three times I witnessed single friends of mine meet someone new, court that person, marry and get pregnant. All while I was still stuck on the pregnant part, to no avail. I ran an online Bible study for infertility that was attended by as many as 30 women at a time. To the best of my knowledge I’m the only one out of that group who never did end up acquiring a child through one set of means or another.
In the apex of that darkness I realised that I couldn’t live with the anguish. In one of my more intense prayer sessions I surrendered my will. The only thing I asked is that if God did not mean for me to have a child that God would at least remove the desire from me.
I cannot tell you how long it took because it was a slow fading into a new reality, like a drop of chocolate unfurling into milk, like the sugar softening my bowl of yogurt. But eventually there I was exactly as it says in Romans 12. I was transformed by the renewing of my mind. After years of flinging open those windows they tell you God opens I came upon another closed door and when I opened it I found my self waiting calmly to be discovered by the anxious and undefined woman who had been looking in all the wrong places. I am happy for those who have children and find their happiness in that. I love the new people I meet and I rejoice at the joy of others’ parenthood and no longer weep tears of loss for my own state.
I am who I was meant to be.
And when that peace happened I am now realising it wasn’t just with that aspect of my life but with the rest of it as well. There was peace about how I look, what education I have and don’t have, how much money we have and don’t have…all of that. The Lord never gave me a human child, but I did get the great fantastic gift of contentment and the better shining gift of joy.
All of this is coming important again as I wait for answers about the things going on in my hollow chambers once meant for those babies. I looked in that yogurt and remembered that the peace had been stirred in to sweeten the bitterness and had already dissolved like sugar.