Two Good Fridays ago was quite possibly one of the ten worst days of my life.
I hesitate when I try to explain it, because if I were to say “my child died” every person with a human child will rush in to say it isn’t the same. And I’m sure for you it isn’t. In a way it isn’t for me either, because I know of no parent (who wants a psychologically stable son) who spends every waking minute with their child, who sleeps next to their child and who relies on their child for comfort and security. So when Casey left us it was more like losing child, best friend, guardian angel and not-scary clown all at once.
I had spent weeks watching him die, sleeping by him on the floor and comforting him while he screamed in pain. It hit me in that dark haze that his day of death was Good Friday and I realised then that God not only knew how hard it was for me but was sending me a message in neon. Several messages, actually.
Message One: I went through this. For you. Willingly.
Message Two: I love you, silly thing. As Casey was your dog, you are my dog. It would be nice if you could learn to love me as unquestioningly, smilingly and obediently as Casey loves you.
Message Three: Earthly death is not forever. Nor is earthly pain. Because I went through this. For you. Willingly.
Fast forward to four-thirty this morning. I was in a bout of what I call “the screamies”.(ETA: I finally looked this up. It has an actual name: allodynia.) It’s hard to describe, but it’s essentially a weird sort of horrible pain combined with all the nerve endings in my skin misfiring. Anything that isn’t completely smooth will cause me to scream in agony–so a quilt with knots in it or a blanket with microfiber feel to me similar to what pebbles feel like in the shoe of a normal person. On every inch of their body. Yes, it’s weird. Very weird. But in the middle of that weird pain it hit me that today was Good Friday.
So of course I went to that whole “focus on your pain and how it relates to the pain of Jesus during the crucifixion” place. There’s a Catholic doctrine for it with a name that I’ll have to look up in a minute. There are a lot of Catholics who induce pain ritualistically in order to practice this doctrine. Lucky me. I don’t need whips or hairshirts. Anyway, back to the story.
So I’m laying there thinking about all of this and then it occurs to me. God doesn’t experience time like we do. We’re always telling people that when we talk about things like the verses about predestination and once-saved-always-saved. God exists outside of time.
Does that mean, I wonder, if that while the man Jesus only had to put up with the pain of the cross for about a day, that the God Jesus knows that pain forever? Will always have that pain as part of being God? I bet it does. And that, right there, that blew my mind. Because down here we always make this big deal about how today is Friday–but Sunday’s coming. The Resurrection and OUR deliverence from death and pain. OURS. So in the back of my mind I’ve always felt good for Jesus because as bad as it was it only lasted for three days.
Nope. I’d bet that for the God who exists outside of time there is always the pain of the cross. For us. Willingly.
Just Another Pretty Farce 
I’ve wondered about this before, how time would play out for God who is outside of it. I’ve also dismissed (well, not entirely, of course) Calvinism for the same reason. God, who is outside of time, knows his sheep because he has the entire picture in front of him. We don’t. We don’t know who his sheep are, and so it’s ridiculous for us to approach missions in that way.
I wonder, though, whether Christ does feel his pain eternally. He dropped into time–he experienced his pain in the linear world of time–he descended into Hades, and he rose again. Once he existed again outside of time, did he continue to feel the pain–or was that part of the temporal world?
I also want to add that I’ve felt that kind of pain before–the kind that causes every nerve ending to misfire. It’s absolutely horrible. Have you researched minerals at all? If you think about the purpose of minerals in the body, you’ll understand how they could be of help for this. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that I’ve managed to control many of my health issues and pain w/ vitamins and minerals. God has pretty much shut the door on doctors for me and has forced me to follow a different path.
1. I wouldn’t be screaming that it’s not the same, because I cannot know your perception of things because we’re not the same person. That’s what a lot of people need to learn in this world. My perception is not another person’s perception and we need to take what people are feeling at face value (unless there’s some big reason not to.) Anyway, I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I hate that you’re feeling bad. I pray for you every day, Kat, and I really hope you get feeling better soon.
3. I had not ever thought about God existing out of time like this before. Thanks for the food for thought, there.
Youre a real deep thneikr. Thanks for sharing.