I got really angry last night; I was angrier than I’ve been in about three months. To (apparently many) people outside my situation it seemed that I was angry over nothing, or something that wasn’t a big deal.
The problem is that they were outside my head. They had no idea all of the reasons behind my anger or why I was so disappointed.
Since I was expressing my anger in a semi-public forum I got a lot of responses along the lines of “don’t be angry”. Chances are you’ve heard them all before. I venture to guess that if you are anywhere past 35 you’ve been told at least once to chill out, stop overreacting, let it go.
Now, if you would like to think about this with me for a second, I invite you to indulge me. Would you walk into someone else’s home and tell them to paint their walls a different colour? Would you take a curling iron and can of hairspray up to a casual acquaintance and begin to restyle their hair while they were eating lunch?
Unless you are certifiably insane or irretrievably rude, I bet you wouldn’t. So, why, then, is it considered appropriate to tell someone how they should feel about a certain situation? To decide for another person what her emotions should be?
I am trying to live peacefully within myself, and that has meant curtailing a lot of my former activities, not inviting into my life the things I know will bring me quickly to anger. But that doesn’t mean that I think ANGER is a bad thing. I happen to think that in and of itself Anger is a neutral element. It is like water or fire in that it can simply be, or it can be channelled. Water can drown; it can also power a mill that grinds grain into flour that makes bread and feeds people. Fire can burn down a house. But it also warms the cold and bakes the bread ground from the grain by the power of the water.
Anger is like that. Countless times in human history anger has been the engine to drive reform. Anger played its part when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat. Anger gave us the Magna Carta, the War of Independence, the end of slavery in the United States. Anger when channelled properly is one of the greatest tools we have for righting great wrongs.
There is a school of thought made popular by Oprah and some therapists which says that you are solely responsible for your feelings. That nothing can “make” you angry if you choose not to let it. This school of thought reminds me of the Health And Wealth gospel. Because it makes it seem as though you the individual are in complete control of everything in the world around you. You can decide to be rich, healthy, never angry or sad. If, on the other hand, you are poor or sick or mad as a wet hen it is a failing WITHIN YOU. Nope. Sorry. I don’t buy it. You know that popular PG-13 phrase, “S–t happens”? Well, it does. And “s–t” makes people sick. Makes them lose their money in the stock market downturn. Makes them angry. That’s part of life. Maturity doesn’t come from ignoring anger, poverty and sickness. Maturity comes from working through those things and making them work FOR you, not against you.
As for me and my anger last night, I was able to channel in positive directions. Not the least of which was blocking from my life some of the people who told me I had no right to be angry.
Just Another Pretty Farce 
That nothing can “make” you angry if you choose not to let it.
I tend to agree with this line of thought, but I don’t take it to mean that I should never be angry. There are somethings that are absolutely worth getting angry about. When I look at anger as a choice I make, it’s just that, a choice. Sometimes it’s the right choice, other times not so much.
I don’t know what you’re referring to specifically, but one thing I’ve noticed is that it seems like when we express anger or sorrow or joy in a public forum (in a blog post, via Twitter or on Facebook, mainly), people assume that because we put it out there we’re expecting responses. And most people either agree with a statement or disagree with it. Some just put stuff like “hugs” or “<3." Some don't know what to say so they write "don't feel [whatever]!" thinking it's encouragement, not a shutting down of how you really feel.
So not knowing the situation and not wanting to get too into it, maybe some people thought you were soliciting their response just by putting your feelings out there and were just trying to be supportive?
Megan, I completely understand what you’re saying, and have many times been in situations like you mentioned. This, however, was not that. Several ppl on Facebook (first one was Stacey Campfield) spoiled the results of a major sporting event. When I posted that I was angry about that I got several responses. Some were clarifications, some were apologies emailed to me. But a couple were from friends or people who like to goad me telling me that my anger was wrong, etc. One of those people is simply now blocked from my Facebook feed and in truth should have been all the time.
Dolphin, I think maybe we’re saying essentially the same thing in different ways. From where I sit, choosing to channel your anger seems to be what you mean when you say you choose to ‘be angry’. It seems to be a semantic thing. And I’m probably far too libertarian, as we all already know, but I think telling another person how to react is a job reserved for parents, spouses (at times) and therapists, if a person chooses to engage in therapy. Once you reach adulthood I don’t know that I would think it within the boundaries of acquaintanceship to tell another person how to feel.
I should also add that I am not bringing all of this up now to single out the people involved last night. Because I did confront them directly and put it to bed right then. And if anyone goes to the conversation I have deleted many of the remarks from the blocked people. Thus isn’t about coming down on the people whose remarks remain. It’s about me working through my thoughts on emotion in the context of casual adult relationships.
1) That’s what you get for following Stacy Campfield. 🙂
2) I am restraining my inner pedant from commenting on the reactionary aspects of Magna Carta.
Not sure we’re saying exactly the same thing, but it’s close enough for horseshoes and hand grenades, but I did want to add that I do agree with you that no adult should be telling another how they are “supposed to” feel about something.
Kat, as far as the general question of whether or not we can control our reactions, I agree with you up to a point, then I agree with dolphin 🙂
I am Mr decisive.
I think there is a time limit (not arbritrary, of course), where one goes from immediate reaction to stewing. Our immediate reaction with ANY emotion is beyond our control (including lust, I might add, just because many people assume that particular emotion/reaction can just be turned off).
But, there is a moment where dwelling on any reactive emotion, especially a negative type, is unhealthy and depending on one’s faith, sinful.
It’s interesting to probably only me, but your post reminded me of something that happened during the NASCAR race yesterday. Jimmy Johnson was having a rough day, and during a restart another drive,r who didn’t pit during the caution, slowed him down A LOT and made him lose positions.
He went OFF on the radio to his crew chief about the 83 car, causing his crew chief to attempt to calm him down (fearing Johnson would take retribution at 200 mph).
After being told he needed to calm down, Johnson replied, “…I just needed to vent.”
Johnson recovered and won the race.
I think it’s important when we get the initial burst on anger to vent, as you did, so that we don’t let it turn into “stewing” and we end up doing something far more stupid.
So, I think you’re right, up to that non-arbitrary time limit (which I guess is different for everyone).
I’ve facilitated a lot of anger management therapy sessions and classes, and I tend to agree with the idea that you can’t so much control the feeling as you can control how you choose to act upon it. In fact, I have very little disagreement with anything that has been said here.
Now, how to deal with anger in a constructive way is a much more complex issue.
And as a therapist, who has spent a lot of time and way too much money on graduate study and training dealing mostly with peoples’ emotions, I don’t believe it’s constructive to tell anyone how they should feel. I still find myself tempted to do it on rare occasions, but I’ve never found it to be helpful.
when your mad, try to distract yourself with mindless (for a loss of words shall i say) bullshit. thinking it out can sometimes help but usually only pisses you off more. mindless (like i said earlier lack of a better term) bullshit like reading a book watching television or even my personal favorite try working out at home. Listen, if your mad you dont want to just sit and think because naturally your mind tries to convince you your right and you think of everything that has pissed you off recently and you get madder. this does not help. distracting the mind helps clear your thoughts and calms you down. So next time you get pissed off, grab a book or something. And if you dont believe your mind brings past (yet again) bullshit up, then think about it and you will get mad, then try to relax by thinking it out. it wont work so please, if you want to calm down, just trust me. I know somethings need to be thought out, but trivial (last time i promise 🙂 ) bullshit does not. you just need to relax, calm down, and then asses it if still necessary. If you are not sure if something should be assessed or not or if you need to talk something out e-mail me at jonathan.costa@gmail.com. sorry if i dont respond immediately. have a nice day.