I didn’t really give a thought to what the holidays would be like this year. I’m a Thanksgiving and Christmas nut. I love everything about the whole time of year. The decorations, the food, the long trips to see family–it’s all my milieu.
Of course I had no idea that the death of my dog child would haunt me this badly. Every celebratory thing I do from cooking to decoration–even simply listening to holiday songs–reminds me of the last time I did it. The last 7 times. Each of those times involved a big, black, stinky, wiggly, fuzzy guy. All the memories of him smiling and running toward me with glee are rippled through with the memories of him whining pitifully between sedatives as the cancer ate his bones.
There was nothing about me that deserved him in my life and there was nothing about him that deserved that painful a death.
On Black Friday I bought a little ornament at Target. It’s a silvery angel with a sparkly charm at the heart. It’s what I have to honour him this holiday. All in all, though, I’d rather have him back.