Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of This Movie Could Be Shorter

Update: This review is kind of harsh, and I think maybe I should have slept on it before I got so mean toward the end. Or maybe not. I will say, though, that even though I may be too harsh to The Beefy Gift of God, I still think the movie should be subtitled “Dad, are we there yet?” Great Scot, it dragged in places!

Some of this could be coming from the fact that when I first saw Raiders I was 10. Now I’m 38.

Some of it may also come from the fact that when I was 10 Raiders was the ONLY place for that kind of non-stop action and was about the only place to ogle the sex-ay Harrison Ford.

But like the last two Pirates of the Carriboring movies before it, the new Indiana Jones seems to place a lot of its faith on action sequences that run anywhere from 90 seconds to five minutes LONGER than they should. As with Capn Jack and the Waterwheel two summers ago, and with the two pirate ships in the whirlpool last summer I found myself glazing over after the first bit of action sequence in the Amazon. I like action, I like thrilling chases. But really, if they go on too long they become pointless zones of dead space and your audiences minds start to wander on to greener pastures.

Or, at least that’s my theory.

Yes, I had fun and much of the movie was good summer eye candy. But I really could have done with about five minutes of car chasing through the Amazon left on the cutting room floor.

Memo to Steven Spielberg….

No matter how hard you try, Shia LaWhatever is not the new Harrison Ford. He is not the new Tom Hanks. He is not sexy or charming or wry or warm or any of those qualities I associate with those men. He doesn’t pull you into the story’s universe.

I’ve read countless articles where you extoll Shia LaWhatever’s virtues as though you are some sort of Starmaker. Give it up. It doesn’t work. I’m a redblooded female and I promise you that whatever Ford and Hanks have that makes us give up the butter and egg money for movie tickets is just not pulsing in the veins of that squinty-eyed, doughy-faced void of rodeo clown spawn.

Memo To George Lucas

American Graffiti was a fine film for its time and fast cars are indeed fun to ride in. But please stop thinking we all want to relive your glory days over and over again. I’d just love to go to one of your movies without being subjected to an overlong “fast car” scene. The opening of IJ&TKOTCS was a bit too self-congratulatory and overly cutesy. Or something. Sorry, I went to a double feature and can’t remember much more right now as I write this.

Memo to Nashville

The Stardust Drive In in Watertown is a treasure. We’re lucky to have it so close by. We saw two good movies for $7 each, had pizza and burgers and cotton candy and coke and looked through our sunroof at the stars when the action sequences ran too long. It’s the best way to see a movie.

They’re open seven days a week through the rest of the summer. Gates open at 6:30 and the movies start at dusk.