Archive for July, 2006

In another life I was a lizard.

That can be the only reason that I am so happy on days like today. I love love love this hot, steamy weather. I know the rest of you hate it. And I’m slightly sorry that my utter joy brings you great misery.

(the post title is my lizard name. Not to be confused with my sister, whom I call Lizard, but only because that’s part of her name. She hates the heat. Crazy person.)

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My hometown is in a bit of an uproar lately. Well, as much an uproar as Hoosiers are likely to get into that doesn’t involve a basketball court.

People with grievances are apparently paying professional sign-painters to churn out public notices of how they were done wrong. Family members who have felt defrauded are letting everyone know about it.

When I first read the news I thought “oh great. Now I’ll never convince people that Indiana is a friendly place.” And then I thought some more and realised that this is a testament to the very heart of Midwesternness. The Midwest is a place where we cut through the crap and say what needs to be said. We work hard because we know that the wind cuts across that open land without mercy and if we don’t store up our nuts winter will be hell. Trust me. We have a lot of nuts.

And now it appears that a few of our cashews and filberts have had enough of paying lawyers and waiting for mediators to decide right and wrong. They call things exactly as they see them. Kind of cool. Now if only my siblings would do something dramatically horrifying so I could paint my own sign.

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Of all the perfect scenes in TBL, this is probably the best. (Again, the language is a no-go if you don’t like four-letter words). It’s certainly my favourite scene in the entire movie. I think. Well, at least apart from “Gutterballs”. Enjoy.

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Courtesy, Jason

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A while back, Aunt B. asked us if we start off people at 100 and let them sink in our estimation, a la that Michelle-Pfeiffer-In-The-Hood movie or if we start people off at 0–forcing them to prove themselves.

I’ve always been a 100 kind of gal. And I’ve always been amazed at how some people slide down the estimometer like a greased fire pole. But recently I met a person who plummetted to zero so fast that they should be employed by the space program. I’ll narrow it down and admit that this person is a man, if only because I don’t feel like playing fast and loose with a fistfull of non-gender pronouns.

I’ve been aware of this guy for some time. Fate, it would seem, has kept us from intersecting paths for many years. Until now. And now, for reasons that I can’t explain, I would really feel better if I could just break his jaw. That’s probably the least Christian thing I could say, unless you add “with a tire iron” to the end of the sentence.

The really bad part of all this fantasy-maiming is that it is so difficult to articulate just why I can’t stand this dude. Well, I could articulate it, and then everyone who knows him would know it was he I was talking about. Then they’d send me private emails that say “hey! Broken-Jaw Dude isn’t so bad! I find him charming.”

That’s the trouble, folks. Of course you find him charming. You’re supposed to. That seems to be how he skates by on his laziness and how he masks his basic inconsiderateness for other people. Even worse than his constant “hailfellowwelmet” forced geniality is his hyperactivity. He’s just one of those guys that I would SWEAR snorts coke in the men’s room between meetings. You know the type–fired from every other job but this one. And the bosses here don’t want to hurt the feelings of his uncle or his wife or his small kids so they keep him on and turn a blind eye to his crap.

(thank you, blogger, for allowing me a safe way to deal with my rage issues.)

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Dear Movie Reviewers,

That sound you hear, the one that hurts your ears a little bit, is the sound of people enjoying themselves. I know you’ve stopped looking for that in a movie. In fact, I think it has become quite clear that the only time you expect the audience to appreciate a movie is when it is a long dark march through pain. The love you want us to feel for movies seems to be the sort of warmth that a person feels for a good lesson from a great teacher.

I know that Pirates, to you was a

hellish contraption into which a ticket holder is strapped, overstimulated but unsatisfied, and unable to disengage until the operator releases the restraining harness.

But many of us who go are really entertained. We plunk down our eight bucks because Pirates does what few critics’ darlings dare attempt–it entertains. It’s fun and it’s funny and it’s great escapism. Not that any of us have anything that needs escaping….

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In honour of Lebowski Fest, I’m doing Lebowski clips all week.

Warning: Language is STRONG. Dude.

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Good news for all us Nashvillians!

Louisville, KY is only 3 hours away.

And it is also the home of Lebowski Fest 2006! Tickets go on sale this Saturday.

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I’m a huge Gary Oldman fan, and Mr. Urbanski is somewhat the power behind Oldman’s throne. This interview with him is a fascinating look at Hollywood from the perspective of a conservative Catholic moneyman.

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So I wrote this really long post about Hegel and Herzl and Israel and the World Spirit, but I couldn’t even proofread it without boring myself to tears. So I’m not inflicting in upon you. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have well-thought-out ideas for my positions, that my worldview isn’t educated and prepared. It just means that I don’t think everyone has to share everything about what they think all the time.

I care about the world stage. I pay attention and I know what’s going on and I have a good philosophy that backs up my positions. But doggone it, when I sit down at the computer to type a blog post it’s sometimes going to be about dumb stuff like Pirates (seen it twice, am going to see it again) and the new 7-Up with fruit juice. (Yummy)

I like Politics. I always have. But when I’m standing at the door to Fellowship Hall eating a cookie I don’t want some strange woman telling me that Ed Bryant needs to just drop out of the race because he’s screwing it up for Van Hileary and Bob Corker will win and the world will end in a fiery doom not unlike the end of Return Of The King. Only this time there will be no giant eagles to fly us to safety because Ed Bryant will have roasted them all for his triumphant feast at the Devil’s Dining Hall.

I like discussions about World Governments. But when people who are safely ensconsed in the center of the U.S. and far away from any most aggressors decide to declare Israel guilty of warcrimes I think it’s safe to say “feh.” I mean, come on. Those of us who have supported the Iraq War get a lot of “Chicken Hawk” and “Keyboard Commando” crap slung at us. I’m fully prepared to toss those snideries right back at you and say “Hey…walk a few miles in Israel’s shoes and then we’ll talk war crimes.” What, you don’t want to walk a mile? Would you be willing to take an Israeli bus?

I have to admit that I’m both embarrassed and pleased that my greatest problems in life right now include the following:

1. I have to have a surgery soon.
Dudes, I just rewatched the How Titus Pullo Brought Down The Republic episode of Rome. That guy had people sawing into his brain while he bit down on a stick. I get to have a surgery that was impossible 50 years ago and I get to have it with anesthesia. So in the grand scheme of things, I’m lucky.

2. My Electric bill is high.
But I have air conditioning. Even when I was a kid 30 years ago, Central Air was a rarity reserved for hotel rooms. That I don’t have to sleep on the floor in the family room when it gets above 80 degrees outside is a great development.

3. Al Gore on the cover of Entertainment Weekly
“Summer’s Unlikeliest Movie Star” my white butt. Please. Just because the sixty people who listen to Air America turned off their radios to go see his documentary in the Activities Halls of their local Universities while snacking on granola from Wild Oats, Al Gore is NOT a “movie star.” Movie stars don’t grow beards and get a little scary. Scratch that. Sometimes they do. But nevertheless. Al Gore is many things, but he is not a movie star. Let’s just have Jack Sparrow on the cover of all EWs for the rest of the year.

4. Comcast On Demand
This is TV Crack, yo. You see, I’ve been trying to watch The Wire (after seemingly countless recommendations) and rewatch Rome (for all the Titus Pullo goodness) but I can’t work the control. I keep hitting “exit” when I mean to hit “last”. And let’s not get started about the transmission dropouts. So yes, it allows you to freebase good TV at an alarming rate. But yet it also has the Pryor-like effect of frequently setting you on fire.

So all in all I’m pretty happy and we’ll save the Hegel for another day.

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