Literature has given me a fool-proof way for you to attract the interest of a potential spouse or conspirator.
Dig a grave by hand in front of the object of your affections. The effort and the degree of caring it exhibits seems to be the biggest literary aphrodisiac around. Of course, the biggest problem with this method of attraction is that most people don’t have spare corpses on hand at just the right time. You know how it is…you are just never ready for love when it comes along. Now, I highly advise NOT murdering the nearest coworker or annoying relative in full view of the target. Whatever points and cache you earn by interring the remains is likely negated by being all murdery. It sends really conflicting messages, too. “I’m callous!” “No! Wait, I’m Caring!”
So I’ve yet to figure out a time when one would be around BOTH sloppily-placed cadavers AND sexyfuntime hot men. Maybe at a showing of _Magic Mike_ in the theatre. “See, Channing Tatum, how desirable I am? I’m caring enough to dig a grave for this thoughtless teenager murdered by that grumpy woman in her 40s for talking on his cellphone during the previews.” Granted, this only works if Magic Mike is actually a movie like The Purple Rose of Cairo. I suspect if it were we would have heard by now. “That werewolf dude from True Blood totally took my box of Junior Mints! What a JERK!”
The only other times I can concoct what I’m calling the “Bury Bodies; Bear Your Soul” method are wartime–too dangerous, too hard on makeup–and hospice work. I didn’t say it was a perfect plan.
I first encountered this method in Harry Potter of all places. When someone close to Harry is murdered in the wars, he buries the individual in a sandy beach. (He’s a 17 year old wizard, not a geologist. He clearly doesn’t understand that sandy graves have a way of, um, undoing.) A quasivillain Harry needs to enlist in his plans views the event and decides that Harry is–different. Clearly the quasivillain isn’t a geologist either, because he thinks the actions are admirable cause to trust Harry’s Game.
Then last night I was finally–finally, finally–reading Lois McMaster Bujold’s Shards of Honor. In that book one character proposes to another, saying that he knew she was the dame for him when, yep. That’s right. She dug a grave. Well, in truth, she started the grave, did a crap job and let him take over. So there is that whole “oh me oh my! Gravedigging is soooo hard! Mr. Strong Person, won’t you help me out?!” learned helplessness trick going on. I hate that. But I guess she needed to even the score because as seductive as shoveling a fellow soldier into eternal rest must be, vomiting in front of the love interest pretty much undoes all that. So you’ve got to bring out the girly big guns.
There you have it, my single friends who are looking to be coupled. Maybe you could invest in one of those Real Doll things and just cart it around with you. Hang out in the park next to it and then when a cute man walks by, ask him if he has a shovel.
Although I’m not single, I’ll keep it in my mind. Might bring the zip back into anybody’s marriage.
Maybe if the marriage is really bad you could have a ready-made corpse on hand for the appropriate occasion.
Is that why so many people keep chest freezers on the back porch?
Is this what George Harrison was singing about?
i am so lost.
Kids today. They don’t know anything.
Well, that was supposed to give you just the one song.
Oh, those old farts. They can’t link to anything.
Hello every body on this site i want to thank Dr Grace for bringing back my lost time joy, i never dream of having my own baby with my womb because the doctors told me that i cannot have my own baby with my own womb due to the fact i was having a bad sickness, i was frustrated and diverstated. my husband told me that if i do not have a child for him that he will divorce me because we were married for more than 18 years of no child and my husband is a man that love kids. so i told a friend of mine, so she told me to contact babyboyhospital that this hospital help her also,becasue she was also having the problem i was having. i contacted them and they told me that they needed to prepare a root and helb medcine for me, this medcine is purely root and helb no other thing is attached to it. so they prepare it for me and send it to me in my country i took it as it was intrusted. and do the require thing they told me to do with my husband and after a month i discover that i have took in, it was like a draem to me or a miracle after a lot of hospital and many operation and many test i have gone through all went in vain,even my doctor told me that the root and helb is blessed from God that he have never seen such a miraculus work before.so i waited for 9 month and to God be the glory i deliver a bouncy baby boy. it was real and i want to give the testimony to all women who is looking for the fruit of the womb and also a baby to contact this woman she will help you as she help me with my son today.am from the united kingdom, you can call me on +447035926892 to talk more.i want you to also know that her medcine is purely root and helb no other thing is added to it. her email address is babyboyhospital@yahoo.com, contact her and your problem will be solved.