I expect this post’ll get me in trouble. I’m writing from a place of intense physical pain accompanied by exhaustion and nausea. Not that it’s an excuse to be such a wanker. But there it is.
I just need to get some stuff off my chest that is not politically correct or necessarily nice. And I’m sorry.
* just because a person doesn’t currently have a child, don’t assume that they have never had (or lost) a child.
* everybody knows grief and hardship. Being a parent doesnt give you a special ticket to the grief and hardship olympics. So quit telling people who don’t have kids that they don’t understand because they aren’t a parent. You don’t understand just how much the childless and child free DO understand.
* if you have more than two kids you might want to examine your personal choices before blaming the president, congress, CEOs, banks, the stock market, global warming and the Iraq war for why you cant afford anything.
* being a mother doesn’t make you special. Motherhood is by its very nature one of the most ordinary things that can happen to a woman.
* if the restaurant has a wine list in any form other than a laminated card stuck between the salt shaker and the ketchup bottle…it is not child friendly.
* if you’ve decided to have kids, part of the territory is putting your good times on hold for a decade and a half while you get them raised right. Yes, it sucks. But you get all these magical holidays and sweet interludes you’re always bragging about. Those things have a price. It’s called “your freedom”
* no child should have a cell phone if they don’t also have a job. Or, at the very least, household chores. Yeah, I know you say the cell phone makes your job as a parent easier. A) see the above item and B) right now is when you are supposed to be teaching them about work and reward. So do it.
* video games are not the same thing as play.
* Kinect and Wii are not the same thing as exercise.
* a good education costs money. It also costs your time and involvement. Society didn’t have those babies. You did.
* you are the parent. Not me. Not their teachers, your neighbors, the waitstaff, the person behind youbin the line at Krogers, your senator, your congressman, the health department or the FDA. Quit expecting those people to do your job for you.
Good lord this post is awesome. I agree wholeheartedly with every single thing on here. Oh, and you’re not being a wanker at all (though I do love that word).
Maybe we’re a little hardcore at our house, but this pretty much summarizes our position on child-rearing, minus the “love more and do with less so that you can enjoy time more.” I’d further add that parenting often involves foregoing the TV you want to watch/film you want to see/event you want to attend because it is not programming to be enjoyed by the whole family. You communicate your values by how you spend your leisure hours as well as what you say. And raise your child to be the fine adult you know the world needs by keeping the long view in mind — you are not being your kid’s friend and advocate if you’re also trying to be their best buddy all the time. Saying no, firmly and frequently, is part of the gig.
minus the “love more and do with less so that you can enjoy time more.”
Heh. I didn’t include this because I consider that to be sort of a “for all people–not just parents” thing. That’s how we’ve always lived, and as I see others struggling under a suffocating materialism and debt-ridden lifestyle I’m grateful that life forced us into this mode early on. It’s an easier lesson to learn at 21 than at 41.
( For many years the “do with less” also included having children. You know, when you’re in your 20s and you think you can get around to it later…
hee hee. You can’t always get around to it later. Oh well.)
I raise my children to know that Kroger is neither plural nor unnecessarily possessive.
You and my brother.
Frankly, who cares?!? Kroger/Kroger’s/Krogers/Krogers’.
Although I maintain that since it was founded by Bernard Kroger in 1883 and run for generations by the Kroger family, calling it “Kroger’s/Krogers/Krogers’” is perfectly acceptable. It’s not like people are calling it “Publix” by mistake.
I am furiously looking for like button on the cell phone item. Facebook has broken me.
As for the child friendly restaurant bit, I do have to say that we are guilty of trying to enjoy a dinner at places other than those with said menus. However, the moment she begins acting like a banshee, we get our stuff to go and remove her. I want to teach her how to eat with regular, mature folks, but not at the expense of other people’s enjoyment.
Oh sorry. I thought it was “Vent Your Minor Annoyance Monday.” My bad.
On an unrelated note, if bearing children is, by your definition, the “most ordinary” thing a woman can do, does that make the childless woman sub-ordinary?
Actually by not doing what society and biology dictate, childless women are at the very least courageous. Being a woman without a child in America is somewhat like being an Atheist in the South.
As for Krogers’, it’s a long standing argument in my family. I’ll always take the side against my brother’s position on this one.
Courageous? Maybe, in the case of those who choose not to bring a child into a shitty situation. But those who are unable to reproduce are about as brave as the guy without legs who refuses to walk.
What if you started out as one and ended up as the other?
Pardon the brevity and the typos. This was sent from my iPhone.
So the guy started with legs and courageously refused to walk after his 21st birthday despite the intense pressure to do so from friends and family. One day an earthquake collapses his home on top of him. Pulled from the rubble only by amputating his legs. Whereupon he continues his brave stand (?) against bipedal locomotion.
Like that?
Your analogy no longer has a leg to stand on.
Pardon the brevity and the typos. This was sent from my iPhone.
Slightly angry and bitter sounding, Katherine. I guess I say this in light of many of your other posts.
I get the issues with idiot parents. Being a mother of eight, however, I beg to differ with the “more than two children” point. Quite frankly, I believe that God opens and closes the womb for His purposes and His glory. I believe this because the Bible states it to be so. The number of kids that we have been given does not take away my rights to the money we have earned. If you have two kids, you can be upset with the tax codes, but three kids, shut up??
Anyway, for your personal benefit, may I suggest looking for families who are raising their children to be light in this dark world and focus your energies on praying for the Lord to raise up many more Godly families who will bring GLORY to Him through their childbearing and rearing. He can also use the childless to bring Himself glory. We are constantly blessed by a couple in our church in their mid fifties who never had children. They are an instrument of encouragement to my husband and myself and they are a voice of wisdom to our children. The other day my 17 year old son said, “they are my favorite people to have over!” Really!!??? Two fifty-some year olds??? God is glorified as the generations come together in the body and function as we are told to do. We are not perfect parents. We do things that I am sure upset/irritate others. But guess what childless people can irritate and upset others too! We are to be iron sharpening iron. I would not write an article about childless (or childfree??) couples and the annoying things they do.
There will always be idiots. Try to find…..hmmm…non idiots to be a blessing to.
ALL parents need encouragers. Be that to someone. YOU will be blessed.
Hope we are still friends. I appreciate your transparency. Hope you hear the heart of my response.
“iron. I would not write an article about childless > > (or childfree??) couples and the annoying things they do. ”
I think you just did.
“The number of kids that we have been given does not take away my rights to the money we have earned.”
I didn’t say that it does, did I? I’m guessing others have at some point, though, or else it mightn’t come up.
” > If you have two kids, you can be upset with the tax codes, but three > kids, shut up??”
Nope. Again not what I said but what you inferred. What I am saying– what I have said countless times before–is that any children you have are your responsibility. Part of that responsibility includes making opportunity-cost decisions. You can either have the fifth baby or the nicer house. You can either stay at home to raise three kids or have four and go back to work. I personally get very tired of hearing The Economy blamed when people consistently do that instead of admitting that being parents is more than having babies.
“He can also use the childless to bring Himself glory. ”
One can only hope, although the modern church seems to not necessarily agree. (ditto for the unmarried. Being childless and or single in church is like showing up to Sunday Services in sweatpants. Everyone knows enough to be polite but deep down they think you aren’t Doing It Right. I am far from alone in observing this.)
“ALL parents need encouragers. Be that to someone. YOU will be blessed. ”
All PEOPLE need rncouragers. Everyone. Life is a hard thing for everyone. When those like me rant about Other–parents, Democrats, Republicans, Christians, Jews, married people, single people, alcoholics, addicts, homosexuals–it is generally because the rant-or perceives the rantee as approaching the equation with a sense of entitlement or, at the very least, an ignorace of the rantor’s struggles.
I believe I am on some days an encouragement to others.
When those like me rant about Other–…
To be perfectly clear, my Other is not all of those listed. For instance, you won’t ever see me rant about Jews, homosexuals or single people. I was just trying to list the more common Others you see in rants these days. My Other tends to be parents, the able-bodied, academia and, hmmm, published authors I guess. Occasionally I’ll feel led to whine about something else but those are my most reliable sources of bloggable frustratitude.
Kat, you have personally encouraged me in my parenting today. Thanks.
point one…no I didn’t. I responded to your article. I did not give one minute of my 24 hour day to contemplate the things that annoy me about childless couples. (actually, I don’t think I have ever given one minute of my LIFE for such contemplation)
points two and three…conceded. You did not say that. I thought you were implying that. Agreed…children cost money. Parents should pay for them. I would like to keep more of the money my husband earns. If I worked and had less children, if I used the government’s schools instead of paying out of my pocket for curriculum that I feel will produce a better product, I would have more THINGS. I say that quite truthfully. I would hope I would give more money to the needy, but the truth is, I would probably have more THINGS!!
point four…He can and WILL. Trust Him and pray for opportunitites.
point five…of course, ALL PEOPLE need encouragement. This is the chip on your shoulder part that is getting to me. Your article was ABOUT PARENTS!! It would be like writing an article about disabled people and saying they need encouragement and someone getting all out of sorts because they are not disabled and were left out of the category of those who need encouragement. Let THAT part go.
Most of your rant is legitimate. I am just seeing a pattern with your ranting that makes me wish for a different perspective for you. I think it would be refreshing to your soul to refocus on the good that God is doing….and let the idiots be idiots and let GOD sort it out. He will.
I did not give one minute of my 24 hour day to contemplate the things that annoy me about childless couples.
But guess what childless people can irritate and upset others too!
Maybe you did or did not give it a full 60 secs, but clearly you DID think about it. And that is ok. But consider that if you took the time to think about it, may those of us who are child-free also consider it from time to time.
I think the broader point being made here (which I am reading, which is not necessarily the same thing Kat is writing; funny how that can work) is that it’s all too easy to assume others who don’t share our exact life experiences can’t know how we feel, and to a degree there is truth in that. But all too often we write off other’s feelings based on that. For everything I HAVEN’T given up to have children, I HAVE given something else up for something else in my life. We all have different life experiences but we’ve also all experienced joy, pain, hope, loss, love, grief and the whole host things that come with this human experience.
And I NEVER tell someone (or so much as make a unsolicited suggestion on) how to raise their kids, but when a general discussion of child-rearing is being held, I see no reason why my childlessness precludes me from having an opinion. I too have values I’d like to see instilled in future generations and I’d venture to say there are few adults who haven’t considered how they might raise a child. Further, I can assure you that people who don’t share my life experiences often don’t hesitate to butt in (often unsolicited) with their opinions (and funny thing is, sometimes, it’s even good advice! imagine that).
Bless your heart.
Knowing you’re from the South, I’ll take that exactly in the tone with which I’m sure you meant it.
Although since your mother doesn’t read this blog you can just curse me out and be done with it.
Heh.
I actually meant it face value this time
I have learned (ironically, from parenting a 13 year old girl) not to engage a person who is ranting from a place of pain, a “mood” or extreme irritation. I sense this is the case, although the written word cannot convey tone or facial expression. However, you verified this at the start of the post.
Besides, once I made peace with the fact that I suck as a parent and any admirable qualities my children display are despite my parenting, not because of it, these things started rolling off me.
Anyway, you are obviously hurting (physically) right now, and that’s mainly where my concern is. Seriously.
Well! Consider me surprised! You know I Never see “Bless Your Heart” from a Southerner without automatically changing it to “EFFFFFFF EEEWWWEEE” in my mind. I’m quite prejudiced that way.
It’s a good lesson that your 13 year old has taught you. It’s one I’ve learned later in life. Well, not really. I learned it early in life when it comes to dealing with people in face to face reality. But it has taken me years to learn it over the internet. It’s why I stay out of most things on the internet these days. You just can’t know a fraction of what’s going on at the other side of the blips and beeps. It’s also why, when being particularly confrontational, I try to preface it with an open declaration about my state of mind and body. Sort of like a Will for my Won’ts. Because yes, I am quite massively unwell today. In fact, now that I think about it, it’s the exact same thing that was bothering me the last time I wrote a really supercranky blog thing. That one about how hope sucks and is useless and I’m gonna go out in the mud and eat some worms.
That’s the bad thing about being a writer. Your number one source of therapy is also the thing that can get you in the most trouble. Kind of like alcoholics and sex addicts.
I don’t know if you suck as a parent, seeing as I’m not around you when you’re parenting. But I’d assume you can’t entirely suck, seeing as you are learning things from the experience. People who learn things don’t usually suck. That’s part of learning.
Kat, I hope you get to feeling better really soon. Slarti, I adore you. That’s some good advice.
Katherine,
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
“if you’ve decided to have kids, part of the territory is putting your good times on hold for a decade and a half while you get them raised right. Yes, it sucks. But you get all these magical holidays and sweet interludes you’re always bragging about. Those things have a price. It’s called “your freedom””
I totally agree that you shouldn’t complain about losing your freedom when you decide to have kids. I hope I don’t complain too much. For me, though, the magical holidays and sweet interludes are few and far between. Holidays are absolutely miserable for me. Last Christmas, I had a migraine, and the year before that, Patrick threw up all day and I had to drive back from Atlanta with Adam by myself. I dread holidays. They are just more work. No sweet interludes are worth what I have to endure every day and night. There is nothing enjoyable about being up most of the night with a three-year-old. Nothing.
Lydia,
You strike me as one of the few honest parents I’ve met in a long time. Because I know–from private conversations, Facebook, Twitter, blogs–that most parents feel like you do.
But not a lot of those who feel like you do will actually admit it. Instead they’ll write a six paragraph blog entry about how terrible motherhood is but then tack on a seventh paragraph about some drawing their daughter made or some hug their toddler gave them which makes it all okay.
And of course every Christmas within the church there are sermons about how much more “magical” the holiday is with children. In short, there’s a lot of talk about the pixie dust that makes parenthood all worth while.
It isn’t that I don’t want people to have babies. But I know that many women of my generation had them for the wrong reasons. I know literally dozens of women who had a baby because they wanted to decorate a nursery or buy cute little clothes. And Phoebe was pregnant on Friends. When that wave of parental accesorising swept through my peers was when we first began to try (and fail) at having children.
Now it’s about 15-16 years later. I’m realising that Phoebe’s pregnancy on Friends was the real dream of most of those coworkers and church friends who had babies back then. Because people fussed over their pregnancy, they got showers with lots of cute gifts…but Phoebe got to give the babies to someone else for the expensive hard part of raising the children. And now all those acquaintences have money problems, curtailed lifestyles and the rewards of teenagers who were overindulged pets for the first 6 years of their lives. I can’t help but think if they’d had a more honest view of what parenthood actually IS, instead of the TV/Movie/Magazine/Catalog paradigm, they would have waited or raised better kids.
I know a few people–Jenni Curtin, the above commenter being one of them–who went into parenthood with their eyes open and are raising well-disciplined kids in the right way. Parents like that are much fewer and farther between.
Anyway, I’m saying all of this to say that I think you do people a service when you talk about your actual experiences with parenthood. I know from Facebook–since I can’t actually see him–that Adam is a great little boy. But I think it’s really good, especially for young women just starting out, to hear the whole story. And I have to admit that it’s a bit of comfort for those like me who lost every pregnancy they ever managed to hear that although we’ve missed out on many things there are also many things that we didn’t miss.