God occupies most of my thoughts these days. I’ve been in the part of my walk where I see God in every little thing, see God’s hands at work in the world and it gives me comfort and fear. I have comfort because I know that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and weeps for the dying sparrow. This God who humbled himself by being human and submitting to death is not going to let us slip into the ether.
I feel fear because I know that I am no more worthy of the attentions of this God than the dirt in the gutter is worthy of my attention. And I know that I will one day be called to stand before God and answer for what I did with my time on earth in this body. I don’t think God will be satisfied with excuses, but excuses are all I have right now. I am tired beyond tiredness and I am having no effect on the world around me. People are still hungry and worried. I’ve done nothing to change that. Then again, I wonder how I can and I wonder if it is fair for God to ask me to keep pushing this rock up that hill.
We went to the Disney store on Saturday and I saw an outfit for a baby and it struck me deep in my chest. Ten years ago we would go there and see those outfits and think “someday!”. Now I see them and know that those particular somedays will not belong to me. I think of the neat little life I imagined for myself and I get angry at knowing it isn’t ever going to be that way. On the other hand when I look at the life I’ve got and see all the things I never imagined I realise that my finite imagination will never understand time and that richness is there in its own form apart from what I’ve created. I’m happy mostly, even though there are the times I am sad for what never occurred for me.
In many understandings of the spiritual world, the veil between this reality and a reality beyond us is more easily passed through during May and October. My beliefs lead me to understand that the sacrifice of Christ enables us to continually commune with that other reality, yet nevertheless I feel a louder sound from that other world in October. I feel myself talking with God. I only wish I could understand everything that God says.
I appreciate your level of mindfulness here, Kat.
I hear ya. I mean, we haven’t ruled out the possibility, but due to my ever advancing age and the fact that I think I probably can’t have children anyway, any wishful thinking I had left is pretty much over and I get the same “uh!” feeling sometimes seeing things like what you mentioned. Or just simply things like appreciating what a great relationship I have with my own mother and he has with his, and knowing we’ll never have that in reverse. I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself about it, but sometimes it’s hard not to fall into the “how come everyone else gets to do this/have this but me” thing. He’s fine with it, I’m not sure I ever will be, really. But I figure I’m blessed in other ways and for whatever reason, it was in God’s plan… I just wish I understood what that plan really was sometimes.