Embarassing Moments, Etc.

When I worked at Sam’s Club right out of High School I felt really super-naive. I was technically eighteen, but I didn’t smoke, didn’t drink and was the proverbial “good girl”. My coworkers were a little bit more lax when it came to things like smoking pot and having sex with random other coworkers. To make matters worse, my best guy friend who had been working there for a year, had recommended me for the job and had been my Breakroom Buddy–the person you hang with when you don’t know anyone else–went out for the summer on a workman’s comp injury. Bill got to spend the summer being paid to lie around and watch MTV. I, on the other hand, had to work with a bunch of strangers who thought it was endlessly precious that I was a virgin.

And….here’s where the story veers into “Most Embarassing Moments Of My Life That Are Still Painful To Recall Even Twenty Years Later.”

Some guys from the store thought it would be great fun to tease me constantly about having my cherry. Lucky for me the store sold all manner of things “cherry”–from marischino to Tootsie Pop–in bulk. My days were constantly filled with the delights of discovering new cherry treats at my work station and in my lunch bag. It was actually funny, but I was wanting it to stop without turning the whole thing into a Lifetime Movie. So one day off I went to JCPenney’s of all places and bought a big ol’ Cubic Zirconium ring for twelve bucks. I waited for a weekend to lapse and then wore the thing into work the next Monday. I figured that guys tease girls for two reasons. Either they kind of like you or you’re an easy mark who overreacts. To my way of thinking the ring would make me seem both off the market to those who kind of liked me and like someone who had a man whose potential overreactions would be more likely to land a cherry-wielding guy in the ER.

The only problem was that I didn’t think the story through. Valuable details were missing about this fiance I had off at college. You know, things like HIS NAME. Oops.

And…here’s where it gets really ugly.

My mom had just met the wife of some Dean at Taylor, where I was due to go to college in September. The Dean’s family had a son about my age and my mom was telling me about this guy. He was the only person I could think of who was at the college so I just used his name.

Turns out that the very woman who asked me the guy’s name knew his mother. Her mother and his mother were best friends.

When I got to school in the fall that guy treated me like I was insane. Could you blame him, really? I mean here he is ENGAGED to me even though he’s never set eyes on me once. For two years I lived in mortal terror of that guy, even though his mom and sister and dad were as nice to me as possible. Actually I think they were probably nice to me in that way you’re polite to the mentally ill.

Oh well. At least I didn’t bring my coworkers up on sexual harrassment charges and I got some free Tootsie Pops out of the deal.