This all started over here. And it touched a nerve that throbs. Surprising absolutely no one, that nerve has to do with “women’s work”, “men’s work” and the church.
My dad is a good dad. He never cared that I was a girl. Let me rephrase that…. When it came to his workshop and all the tools in it, it didn’t matter to him that I was female instead of male. He still taught me to use whatever he had in there. He let me watch, learn and help when he built things and fixed things around the house. He has been in the legal profession for nearly 5 decades now, but he has always retained the ability–learned when he was young–to do work with his hands. To this day he will put aside the cases he has to study for adjudication to go out to the back of their property and repair a fence, carve a downed tree into firewood or build something for the grandkids.
I grew up seeing that, and I also grew up knowing that I could do it, too. It didn’t matter that I was a girl. I got an A in Woodshop. I built a few small things. I still like construction-type work, especially anything to do with saws. I like cutting and reforming wood.
A few years ago my church did a remodel of the old Rescue Mission building to turn it into a halfway house for women leaving prison. I about cried when it was made clear in Sunday School that only the men would be accepted as volunteers for the remodel. When I complained I was told that it was one of those Iron John Butch Male Christian things we do now, thanks to Promise Keepers and the whole Manly Men For God deal. So I quietly put aside my sadness and went on. I guess if the women can have Missions in the Morning where they eat salad and talk about whatever without inviting the men then the men can have Burly Building day.
But then there was the Habitat For Humanity house. I wanted to work on that so badly. When I went to the Narthex (or whatever First Baptist Nashville calls it) to sign up, I was told that they only took male volunteers for construction but that I could make some food for one of the lunch or snack breaks.
That about did me in. One of the things I’ve always disliked about the Menno-Amish culture I grew up in was the whole “Men Build, Women Cook” thing. Not that I can’t cook. I just don’t understand why I can’t also build. I’m grateful to both my dad and my mom for not really instilling those gender roles in us. (Although the boys could have had to load the dishwasher more often.) But in a way it’s always made my life harder. When you’re taught to colour outside the lines, the lines never make sense.
This mindset astounds me. Who ARE these people/organizations who are so covered up with volunteers that they can afford to turn away ANYBODY? Believe you me, that’s not the case with most volunteer efforts; they usually have to go begging for any help they get at all. Did these folks ever give you a reasonable answer for denying your offer of help, or was it just “the Bible tells us so”? (A friend of mine had a similar experience once, years ago, and asked them, “What? It’s not as though we haven’t heard the men fart and snort and burp and cuss a little; we’re married to them.” The organizers relented.)
I’ve helped to build two Habitat houses, and my gender has never been an issue. They were glad to have somebody tall enough to reach the high places! Everyone who came out to those builds helped in some way, except for one family who brought very small children, because the kids were too young to be on-site without getting hurt. That was the only limitation I’ve seen.
I’ve always been of the opinion that the “give as ye are prospered” guideline for tithing also goes for volunteer work: contribute whatever you are able. If all the time or effort you can spare is the widow’s mite, so be it. If you can do more, do it also with gladness. And no one else should be able to tell you how much or how little you can contribute, because that’s between you and the Lord.
Thanks for letting me bogart your bandwidth, ma’am.
This drives me nuts, and it’s not confined to Baptists.
With me, my problem is being a man who wants to work with children in a church. And we’re bleeding-heart Methodists, for cryin’ out loud! Yet, I kept getting re-assigned to older and older kids, till I ended up with the tweens. Luckily, all the parents of tweens know me and know I’m no pedophile.
Kat, you’re welcome to come to my house and do the “men’s work” (which I suck at). I can pay you by cooking you a nice dinner
Who ARE these people/organizations who are so covered up with volunteers that they can afford to turn away ANYBODY?
It’s specifically a few men in my church–one of whom I used to be fairly close to.
As we go further down the road of Marketing Church To Niche Groups (instead of just, you know, actually doing church) in America, the big trend of rounding up the menfolk gets a lot of play.
Ever since some study (probably done by Pew, natch) came out showing that men weren’t as into church as women–something that has been true forever, actually–different groups have been pitching the whole For The Boys routine.
Our church loves playing along because we’ve got a couple of high-ranking members (as though such a thing is even acceptable in a gathering of the Body, but whatever) who are very much led to that particular stream of thought.
In addition to the various building/handyman projects the church has had:
Men’s Fraternity
Don’t get me started on that name. Really. I even whined about it in front of the entire SS department.
a men’s fly-fishing encounter weekend or three
Yes, I also love fly-fishing. But whatever.
men’s prayer breakfast
I cut this slack because really some gender things are appropriate to personal development. And these have been around forever and aren’t so market-driven. At least the men’s prayer breakfast doesn’t come with 4/C flyers covered in action shots of mountain climbing, whitewater rafting and other muscle-flexing activities.
The men-only fencing bible study
My senior pastor is developing this personally. I think his intent is to fine-tune it for the market. At least he opened up subsequent sessions to women after many of us openly complained. I’ll give him that. I actually respect the Sr. Pastor a great deal because he’s among the least exclusionary folks I’ve ever met.
All of this rambling is just to say that, really, I think that the larger problem is one of the current church marketing in general. As everyone bends over backward to appeal to some niche they’ve been told is underserved they unwittingly alienate scores of folks who are outside their niche.
None of it…none…seems Christlike to me. When Jesus spoke in real life, everyone came to see him and sat on the hills together to listen. There were no curtains dividing the women and children from the men. There were no special invitations to a Jesus sermon for Rich Men or Divorced Women or any other group.
It was just Jesus. Talking to folks about how they could be one with the God who loves them, and how that love could change the world in ways far beyond comprehension.
I don’t have a problem with men’s- and women’s-only prayer groups, so long as they are complementary to full congregational prayer. (And so long as both are available to those who wish, of course.) There’s an energy when women pray together that seems (to me) different from the energy of men and women praying together. I like them both, and I have to figure that the creator does, too.
I don’t have a problem with men’s- and women’s-only prayer groups, so long as they are complementary to full congregational prayer.
I completely agree. 100%.
I think I have a hard time articulating the difference between gender-divided prayer groups and gender-divided activities of other sorts, but to me I definitely see a difference there.
One seems to be a genuine outgrowth of the faith experience and an expression of the dual nature of the divine.
The other seems to be a gimmick.