A friend of mine called earlier this evening with some very sad news about some mutual friends of ours. It’s just breaking my heart, because I want so badly to help but I know from experience there is nothing I can do. I don’t like feeling helpless.
I think that’s why so many people are eager to embrace the “I’m praying for you” phrase. I used to use it all the time and thought nothing of it, but as I’ve encountered more and more people of different religions, including atheism, I realise that folks get offended by hearing “IPFY”. Even among those who believe in prayer it is used so often and often so flippantly that it can seem very disingenous.
But honestly, I don’t know what other response to have. I’m not a doctor so I can’t fix those in ill health. I’m not wealthy so I can’t alleviate other’s financial burdens. I’m not omniscient so I don’t know if he’ll call or you’ll get that job. And so forth.
The thing is, though, the more I study prayer and the more deeply I delve into scripture the more I’m convinced that so much of Christian prayer as we know it–so many of the “I’m Praying For You”s–seem to be a sort of sanitised version of Black Magic. It seems like a lot of prayer is a version of spellcasting in that it attempts to harness divine power to influence mundane outcomes. “Dear God, give me/us/them a better job/car/house/husband/baby”. (Yes, those are all things I’ve prayed for in the past.) It seems though, that my prayers just click better when they are asking for things like God’s guidance, wisdom, and comfort. So now when I pray for others that tends to be how I pray.
So I guess right now in the face of all I can’t do for the people who need more than I can give, I am praying for God to guide them to the best decisions, give them the wisdom to discern which decisions are the best and comfort them by providing what their souls need the most. I trust that God will take care of the rest–the cars, houses, jobs, babies and spouses.
The thing is, I still feel like that’s cold comfort for folks. I wish I knew a better way.
Man, you’ve written some good stuff lately. (not that you didn’t before, but you have been prolific of late)
The simple answer for me is…if you sense that something in my life is terribly wrong, pray for me, don’t tell me about it though.
It might sound, what, flippant? to say that, and maybe it is, but I have to tell you that when I hear someone say that, it frequently sounds like an insult. What I hear:
You are obviously incapable of managing this on your own, so I plan to ask my God to intervene in your life.
or
You are heading toward disaster, and i disapprove of your strategy to deal with this crisis, so I am praying that you might be SHOWN THE WAY.
I know that it is seldom meant that way, but that is what i hear. I think if people want to offer support, something along the line of “I hope you catch a break soon” or “I hope you find peace about this” works better for me.
All that said, Kat, if a friend offers it, someone i know who I trust offers that, I got no problem.
Oh boy, how I agree with both of you. I can’t bring myself to pray for specific outcomes for myself or anyone else. It seems so … petty and childish: gimme, gimme, give my friends …. And I am not someone with special intercessory powers to make these things happen, so it’s especially pointless: just a way of saying “I would like this to be the specific outcome in this specific situation.” Well, yes, I would. So what?
So I pray for wisdom, patience, acceptance, whatever. For me, for my friends. But for my friends I mostly pray that things will work out right, because I don’t know what the right outcome (or even the right virtue) might be.
The only exception to this, oddly, is health. I will pray for people to get healthy, possibly because to me that feels like a pretty general wish for them, and partly because the way Jews do this (asking for “perfect healing”) seems to me to indicate a desire to come to terms mentally/emotionally with physical problems, as well as an end to the problems themselves. Maybe I’m kidding myself and I just have superstitions about health, though.
I used to say it often, and too often felt it didn’t accomplish what I meant it to. It was perceived to mean something other than I intended.
I kinda stick with I’ll keep you/them/the situation in my thoughts. I’m not sure it’s much better, but I have to say and do something.
Wow…great stuff here, Kat. I know what you guys mean about the “I’m praying for you” phrase. I used to say it often, but now I usually just say “I’ll be thinking of you” or something along those lines – unless someone asks me to pray for them. Then, like you Kat, I usually pray for God to give them the wisdom to make the right decisions or for them to be shown the way, whatever the case may be.
nm, you’re absolutely right that it sounds like “gimme, gimme, gimme” if we ask God to give us or someone else exactly what we want. God will do what He will do – whatever fits into His plan – not ours.
Man, I’m always days late to the party. I just wanted to add that when I first moved to Nashville I’d get pretty irritated, if not offended when people said that to me. Mack summed up my reasons pretty well. Then I swung to wondering how helpless people must feel when the best they can offer is “praying” for their friend. Then I figured out that that was just an uncharitable reaction because of my initial irritation. I think now I just sort of try and assume the best of people, and although at times I still feel pissy about it, if it’s your way and you’re genuine, I think it’s right.